"Sometimes we are under pressure because we are making careless, wrong or ungodly choices. But sometimes we are under pressure because we are making wise, right, and godly choices" (67).
This is a quote that resonated deep with me. Over the past few weeks I have been able to see some friends from back at home (who have been home for the holidays and what not) and so I has been hanging out with them, catching up (not chit-chatting:). Well, being home with them proved to be really difficult to actually hang out and be around them for a long duration of time. I was sharing with some friends the pressure I felt I was under at Thanksgiving, but then I experienced it again over Christmas and New Years time. Bear with me as I try to unravel this into words since it is twofold.
First, I was feeling spiritually attacked and not encouraged in Christ when I was around them. It was not like they were being crude or awful in dialect but almost worse; they were making me feel worthless and really made me question my story, the story God gave me. It was really odd experiencing this pressure, the pressure to fit in with the world but what weighed heavier on my heart was the fact that for a minute, I let the pressure get to my head where I was "ashamed" per say of the story God has given me to share with other. Just because I cannot relate to people because of my experiences or lack of experiences does not mean that I should be quiet about who I am. Quite the contrary, I should be bold and proud of who the Lord has made me to be. I was being persecuted because of the godly choices I was making and had been making and I need to see God in those and not allow for Satan to steal away the joy that I have in Christ because of it. I was not to be ashamed of the fact that I was living for Christ when they were clearly not. "Be faithful until death" (2:10)
Not only that, in regards to being with those friends, I came to a realization that tied into these chapters as well, into God's jealousy for me. I realized that being with people from home was nice, in regards to catching up, but it was also hard because I realized that they do not know me. Yeah, sure, they are able to give me facts about myself, but they do not know my heart, where I am with the Lord, my reactions to things, or how I experience life. They held on to facts of who I was in the past rather than to who I was now. That was a hard reality. It was refreshing in a sense because I wasn't going to pour my heart and soul out on the table but it also really made me sad thinking that they could really care less to take the time to actually get to me at the root of me. So this pours into the God channel. As I was thinking about this concept, the idea of people really taking the time to get to know someone for who they really are, I was convicted. Was I allowing for God to know me? And I could answer yes to that question. But was I taking the time to really know God? And my answer was no. It broke my heart thinking that that same hurt that I was feeling is hurting so much more for Christ. "You have forsaken you true love" (2:9). And I was. And it hurt admitting that, and it hurt thinking about it, but it was what I was doing. And then came the humbling process of "remember repenting and redoing" (61) followed by the redemption and forgiveness lesson. It was great and painful, and I am here today because of his Grace.
~Cass
Cass, it's super cool to read this post after having conversations about those friend times at home. As I read, I felt like it brought resolution and clarity to all that you shared with me that I met only with silence. At that time, I really had no answer, no encouragement - just silence. But I hope (it sounds like) this chapter spoke some much-needed encouragement into that silence.
ReplyDeleteBe affirmed, my friend, that the godly choices you have made do indeed reflect a heart that has been totally swept away by the "first love" of relationship with Jesus. Be affirmed that what you experience(d) in those interactions is/was indeed persecution and an attack from the low-life likes of Screwtape and Wormwood. And be affirmed in your faithfulness - Indeed, "be faithful until death."
I realize that may not ease the sting of rejection much, but it is, at least, legitimate Truth. Keep digging in deep in the things of Jesus, Cass. Be faithful to your first love, and no pressure will prove too powerful!
Thanks Em...I am grateful to have a friend like you who pours into me and reminds me of my first love.
ReplyDeleteSome Christian writer wrote a book called the Divine Romance or something like that. Whatever the title your journey over the HOLYdays (so interesting that your were lead by the spirit in a desert and tempted during the holidays.). Allright back to the point, whateve the title your journey over break looks, sounds, and feels so much like the romance of God. Those Nicholas Sparks romances that my wife reads when were on vacation always seem to start with a guy or gal who has a tweaked heart. To feel as you expressed Jesus personally and poignantly say to you," even when you don't want me, I want you" the melts many icy layers off my cold heart. Your story highlights the fruitful abundance of His harvest- a new heart.
ReplyDeleteDallas Willard I believe is the one who wrote the book Divine Romance. Actually, I think Darrell references it in Chapter 7? or 8? Just an FYI...
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